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How to handle a spouse from a dysfunctional home

How to handle a spouse from a dysfunctional home

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Being married to a spouse from a dysfunctional home is a gift; it’s a gift in the sense that your spouse would be more sensitive and alert to the things you would not even think of in the first place.

That said let’s look at how you can handle the negative side of things.

First things first; you need to identify the issue, what went down back at home, long before you met; it is important to have known this before marriage but in the case were you didn’t know this is how to know.

Whenever they are ready or willing to talk LISTEN!

Don’t listen to respond, don’t give any advice when they are done just LISTEN! After the discussion hug them tight if he/she ends up crying let them cry hold them till they are done.

Tell them you are there for them say a prayer with them asking God to heal their wounds, take away the pain and teach you how to be the spouse they need you to be.

 

Secondly if there are negative traits; usually these traits tend towards the extreme, you need try to correct them constructively. It is very important to watch the way you speak to them cause some of them are usually suicidal if not all. Correct in love. If they for any reason feel hurt by the way you tried to correct take time to explain what you mean.

The bulk of your arguments as a couple would be based on misunderstanding. It’s always important to express yourself well and ensure that your message is passed across.

Always end with how much you love them regardless of what they do. Most times people from dysfunctional homes are always hard on themselves; because of the negative environment they grew up in they have learnt to always blame themselves for whatever happens and they never see a reason to give themselves a pat on the back.

Help them celebrate little victories and open their eyes to see the positive side of things always.

When praying; instead of praying for God to change your spouse, pray to God to help you be a better person for your spouse.

Your spouse went through that difficult road in the past and still came out strong, appealing and attractive to someone like you. Don’t give up on them they are still here for a reason I call such people diamonds.

Till next time. stay blessed up.

Written By

Tosin Opara

I am the content Creator/Brand manager for “Deestylefairy”. I am passionate about family, parenting and personal development, which are the values that my brand represents.

 

Let your children play

Let your children play

 

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I remember my childhood with nostalgia in the serene neighborhood of Oluyoro Street in Bodija, Ibadan. We played ehn, I mean we really played. Don’t get me wrong ooo, we also worked hard. We did house chores, had lesson teachers, read a lot but we really did play hard.

I know many of them are no longer in fashion sha but some of the things we did were ‘Suwe’ , which  the Oyinbos call hop-step-and- jump, ten- ten, hide and seek, card and board games and skipping (I was such a poor skipper then). Lol.

Okay, back to the matter… A child learns through different avenues and play is one of them. Playtime for kids is not a waste of time unlike what many parents believe especially if it is done in a constructive manner. It allows them be creative while developing their imagination and sensory skills. Their physical and cognitive skills are developed while emotional development is also enhanced.  Play is in fact very crucial to healthy brain development.

One advantage is that it helps your child develop his social skills. During play, your child learns to share his toys and thus builds team spirit as he plays other kids of his age. He learns to negotiate the language and communication skills also improve.

Parents Carrying Child

Playing with sand and water is one inexpensive way your child can play. Have you noticed that most children are almost always naturally attracted to sand and water? They want to splash, touch, run their fingers through, pour or sift it. You can give them funnels, sieves, bottles and so onto make it more fun. Kids can also grasp mathematical skills such as measurement as they cook, build castles and stories around it and just generally explore. There’s no end to what they can do with sand.

Most parents prevent them from touching sand or water. Why? They don’t want them to get dirty. Parents are also afraid that the children could mess up floors. But you can ask the child to join in the clean-up. He then learns another great lesson. That is to be responsible enough to clean up after himself.

One other way of making playtime constructive is by playing with your child. Hello??? Did you just tell me to play with my child? Oh yeah, you heard right. Play!!! Yes, go ahead. Just do it! A lot of us parents get so busy that they do not even have time to play with their kids anymore. We race and hurry through life and don’t even spare some time to see how they are faring with their school work, emotionally and in other areas let alone play with them.

However, make sure you don’t go to the extreme of dictating how your child should play. Remember it is all about the child and the ability to be creative even with play. He should be able to determine the direction and path of his play.

Written By

Folasade Adejoorin.

A mother,teacher,administrator, counselor and author. She is passionate about helping parents raise godly children in Christian homes.

Your child is not a dunce

Your child is not a dunce

 

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I remember vividly as a kid back in primary school I was tagged  “olodo” hehe. Mehn I found it difficult to comprehend anything (except story books). In Grade3 while walking hand in hand down the corridor with my then best friend, Tolu; my class teacher called my best friend, I will never forget her. He asked Tolu; how come Tosin is your friend and she still gets low grades?  Tolu was the best student in the class (first position every time) She looked distraught as a kid she felt she should do something about it, so she told me to sit next to her in class and copy her answers yep she wanted my grades to be better.

I did try to copy her,  but I could not see the numbers or letters on her book. I was next to her but her writings were blurred.

At that time I was too young to understand I needed glasses. I could not complain at home as my mum was strict and already concluded that i was lazy and playful plus I lied a lot( shhhhh)

I struggled my way through primary school.

When I got to college I had people telling me I should go see an optician because I clearly had eye issues. After my first term in Jss1 I knew I had to say something, I came out 19th out of 90 students in the class.

That was my first taste of success  ( yeah 19th out of 90 students was actually a big deal to me) I desired more so I had to speak up.

I told my dad; my mum still being the African strict mother took me to see the optician but warned me sternly not to lie she promised to whoop my behind if my results where negative ahhh. Throughout that test i was shaking like a leaf, the optician bless her heart had to repeat the test like 3times.

Long and short of the story after I got my glasses, I was always within 1st to 3rd position at a point 1st and 2nd not to brag.  haha.

What’s the lesson here? Most times as parents we always believe we know it all especially as regards academics. To tell you the truth the education system in Nigeria is whack. I think that Nigeria’s academic system is designed only for those who can cram.

Let’s be actively involved in our kid’s academics no child is born a failure or dunce we just have to work out the greatness in them. Train them to know because knowledge is power and help them to retain that knowledge. I remember a biography of a great person I once read. It said that the teacher wrote to the parent saying that the boy’s case was hopeless and that he should be taken to a special school. The mother trashed the letter and home schooled her son. She told him every day that he was smart. Today his story is different.

Kids will believe whatever you say.

What do you say to your kids? Do you have time for their academics?

Let your child believe that they are the best through your eyes and words and trust me they will be the best.

No child is a dunce, but  each needs something different to thrive.  Find out what your child needs

Written By

Tosin Opara

I am the content Creator/Brand manager for “Deestylefairy”. I am passionate about family, parenting and personal development, which are the values that my brand represents.

DON’T OVERLOOK THOSE LITTLE LOOPHOLES THEY MATTER!

DON’T OVERLOOK THOSE LITTLE LOOPHOLES THEY MATTER!

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You see, that little child you refuse to train and correct today on the basis of ‘he’s still a small child’, will end up haunting and causing you sleepless night tomorrow because you’ll continue to see him as a child even while he is all grown up.

I tell people often times that parenthood is beyond feeding, providing shelter for, and clothing your child. As a parent, especially a godly one, you should be able to nurture your child to do right.

But sadly, most parents, although now what they want for the children they consciously send the wrong signals or let their emotions ruin the way the raise their children.

I will highlight a few loop holes that parent’s overlook which can affect a child’s upbringing.

First, taking up the duty of your child because they murmured over it or abruptly said they aren’t doing it is totally wrong.  At some point, every child intends to exhibit some form of silly act but it is your duty as a parent to instill discipline and not violate your morale standard. What you allow in your child today, could become a lifestyle tomorrow.

Secondly, shouting at your house help while your children watch is something I think you should reconsider doing. Doing this in the presence of your young child could make them grow up thinking being rude and screaming at older people who work for them is totally normal. You should do rather act in such a way that makes them understand that these people are there to help them and not to be treated as slaves.

Lastly, even though you have the mentality of ‘whatever belongs to me belongs to my child‘, please let them ask for your consent before taking it. I’ve been with people who see taking things that belong to their roommate or friend without asking for it is totally normal and I think it started from their homes.

So tell me what those acts you think are overlooked by parents are, which go a long way in forming some of the value system of that child child.

Written By

Ozioma Anaele

How do you raise children in a dysfunctional family?

How do you raise children in a dysfunctional family?

 

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dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. (Wikipedia)

A Dysfunctional family is an unhealthy atmosphere for a child to grow. In a dysfunctional home you see the child struggling for survival. Often times dysfunctional homes always appear to be in order, and put together but that is just a charade.

Characteristics of dysfunctional homes includes but are not limited to;

  • Children with low self esteem
  • Children with poor grades in school
  • Constantly arguing parents
  • Divorced parents who don’t see eye to eye
  • A family with secrets they don’t discuss but everyone knows about it
  • When children can’t boldly communicate their needs and wants to their parents
  • A family that practices children should be seen and not heard
  • A family with marital problems
  • Polygamous family in disunity
  • A family with unresolved problems and malice
  • A home filled with verbal and physical abuse
  • A home where aggression is the order of the day

The list goes on and on and on. How do you raise a child in a dysfunctional home; I could easily suggest take the child somewhere else to develop and grow into his full potential but often times that is not possible.

So how do we raise good kids in a dysfunctional home?

First;Seek God’s help

Second seek counsel not just any counselor but a Christian if possible;

Give your child the opportunity to talk about the situation; if you can’t do it let a professional handle it. Seeing a shrink does not mean you are psycho, it means you need mental medical attention.

In this part of the world mental health is treated like a taboo .

Sometimes life deals us with cards that come as a shocker and in order to get back in shape we need to heal mentally. God has given us the intelligence to handle most of our issues ourselves but we keep on asking and blaming him for what He has given us power to do.

Go for family counselling. Invite a psychologist if needed. Go for therapy, if needed. Life is too beautiful to keep striving and forcing your kids to strife in a dysfunctional home.

Children should not be burdened with making adult decisions; its unfair to put them in a situation where they have to.

Lets break the cycle of abnormality speak out and let people help you. Stop enduring nonsense for the sake of your kids. Whatever the witness affects them greatly, the power is in your hands as a parent to either make it a positive impact or negative one.

I will be discussing more on this topic as the spirit leads….. Till next time

Written By

Tosin Opara

I am the content Creator/Brand manager for “Deestylefairy”. I am passionate about family, parenting and personal development, which are the values that my brand represents.

Picture Credit: Google

Raising Confident Children

Raising Confident Children

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Yes! Everyone stands in admiration  when they see a child who is confident. Sometimes you hear people say things like how I wish my child could be like that child. A confident child is one who believes in himself. Confident kids have good self-esteem and also grow up to become confident adults. A good self-esteem is a key to success as well as mental and social well being.

Recently I was at a church program and a group of kids welcomed everyone with callisthenics and choreographic displays to the admiration of everyone. And then to my dismay, a mother seated in front of me with her teenage daughter nudged her and said something like are these not your age mates, why can’t you do something like this? Oh, My goodness! You need to see the countenance of this young girl drop. I can’t remember if she ever remained her chatty self till that bit of the program was over. That brings us to the first point.

Stop comparing you children 

I can never say this enough. Never compare your child with another child not even among your children should you do this. Yes there are certain things we observe in other children that we would love to see in our own kids but that never enough basis for comparison. This is a good launch pad for sibling rivalry and bitterness.

Commend your child when he does something good

Praise or commend your child for good behavior, hard work and remarkable achievements. However, you need to ensure that you don’t blow an achievement out of proportion lest your child becomes full of himself. You don’t have to praise your child for every small deed lest he turns into a compliment addict. On the other hand don’t let them run low on it as well.

Allow your child to make mistakes.

I know this may sound strange to some people but a lot of times parents want to do everything for their children because they are afraid they will not do things correctly. But it is better to allow them do things on their own while you as a parent supervise. On completion of that task, you can review the performance and point out how he can improve the next time. You’re actually allowing your child gain confidence because when he sees he was able to do something on his own, it spurs him on another time.

Be real with your child.

If you relate stories of how you were always successful to your child, you might be setting him up for failure. Remember, your child is a unique personality and it may be unfair to expect him to be as ‘perfect’ as you. While it is okay to let your child know about your different achievements especially if they are real in order to spur your child to greatness, it is also in order to let them know about your failures and how you overcame them. Your child needs to know how to turn adversity around to become an advantage.  We all have failed before. Haven’t we? Life is all about ups and downs. So you need to be real with your child in this respect.

Confidence is not the same thing as pride

You need to create a balance between raising a confident child and an egoistic child. One way to do this is by teaching them to be team players and to acknowledge and praise others for their achievements. By this your child will not necessarily feel threatened by the success of others. Your child needs to know that he is no less a success just because children around him are doing well. A great way of teaching this to your child is by being a mirror of such attitude.  We all know that some people do feel uneasy at the success of others.

Allow your child take some decisions for himself.

For example, instead of telling your 6-year old that you are having a particular food for dinner, you may offer two or three options and allow the child make a choice. You can even go ahead to ask the child why he has opted for one food over others thus encouraging critical or rational thinking in the child.

Discover and develop your child’s talents.

Because talents are areas of strength that have been naturally placed in every human being, they are easily able to excel in them. Success at one thing will likely build good esteem.

Work on your child’s public speaking skills.

Far too often, you see a lot of adults who are unable to communicate in public or are unable to stand before a group to make a presentation. Inability to speak before an audience will short change you. It is painful to have something to say yet you feel so afraid to come up to say it. In this part of the world there is a belief that a child must remain quiet while in the presence of adults. I think rather than do this to your child, you should rather teach him to observe some etiquette such as asking permission to speak and not interrupt others while they are speaking.

Love your child unconditionally 

Build self-esteem in your child by loving him or her unconditionally. It is isn’t correct to demand that your child fulfills certain expectations before you show him love. Remember God commended or expressed His love towards us while we were still sinners. Your child needs to be aware of the fact that you love him just for being a person and not for what he does.

Spend quality time with your child.

Quality time is not just about the number of hours spent. If you are with your child all day long and all you do is yell at him, scold him, use derogatory words or press your phone all day (21st century mother),  it is worse than not being with the child. Let your children feel wanted. Never allow your child to get the impression that he or she is a bother or a nuisance.

As a parent you need to work on your self esteem, particularly if you know you are a bit short in that area. There might have been things in your past that have resulted in your lack or loss of self-esteem. You need to admit that they exist, confront them. You might need to get the help of a professional such as psychologist or counselor. Until you heal from the emotional wounds of your past, you may be unable to do a good job of helping your child  have a proper sense of esteem.

On a final note, protect your child from bullies. There is the likelihood that a child that is being bullied will have a low self esteem.

 

Written By

Folasade Adejoorin.

A mother,teacher,administrator, counselor and author. She is passionate about helping parents raise godly children in Christian homes.

 

How to be a Help mate when you are unemployed

How to be a Help mate when you are unemployed

 

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Being a stay at mom was not by choice. I was forced into that situation because I could not get a job. My husband God bless his heart was the sole financial provider for about 2years. Based on that I knew I still had to be a help mate some how as regards finances so here is what I did.

Cut your coat according to your size. I never pressured my husband about our wants I only ensured our needs where met.

I ensured our food stuff and household products where within our budget. You will be surprised on how far you can stretch 1000 naira  when you make conscious effort. When you consciously assist your hubby this way, trust me he will praise you.

Don’t get carried away when your hubby gives you cash to splurge on yourself try to invest/save for the future. Yes you don’t have any business idea now but you can start preparing so when it comes you will be ready.

Social media can be a curse if you allow it, don’t believe all you see on social medias not everything is true. Just because you are managing your finances does not mean you are poor; it only means you are being smart now so you can rejoice later.

Learn to encourage your spouse from time to time by word of mouth, surprise special dinner, bedtime fun *wink wink* and little surprise notes here and there.

Prepare yourself mentally, write down your ideas, plans and work towards it.  We are all creative human beings because our father is a Creator and we were created in His image. So be creative don’t let lack of funds or being unemployed stop you. There are so many things you can do with little or no capital. Use what you have, and start where you are.

I know some ladies out there whose spouses don’t want them working at all, its okay whenever he gives you some cash try to always save. He does not have to know; you see when the raining days come and you give him something to fall back on he will bless you for it.

Finally be a woman of prayer, always back your spouse with prayer. Pray for grace wisdom and strength daily. While you are waiting on your own opportunity prayerfully and mentally prepare yourself.

Written By

Tosin Opara

Tosin Opara

I am the content Creator/Brand manager for “Deestylefairy”. I am passionate about family, parenting and personal development, which are the values that my brand represents.

RAISING BOYS

RAISING BOYS

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How many of you think its okay to teach your boy child how to do chores around the house?Is it necessary is it important? And why should we do it or not do it?

Actually yes it is necessary and of great importance.

Too many men these days go around saying and thinking that the home affairs and baby duties rest solely on the female child. Its wrong. God created Adam and told him to tend to the garden and everything he had given him.  The Garden was were Adam ate drank slept played am sure you get the gist. Perhaps God decided it was too much workload for him or he was bored and didn’t have the zeal to tend to anything; whatever the case God decided it was not good for man to be alone and he created an helpmate for him. That’s where we ladies come in.

Back to the issue at hand as mothers I feel it is our duty to ensure a new generation of men rise. How can we do this?

I will tell you that the major reason why there are a lot of broken men in our generation is because their fathers where either not present or actively involved in their lives.

Is your boy getting the much needed attention from his father or are you showering him with too much love that he ends up thinking every woman should be at his beck and call.

Fathers have a special function to play in the lives of children so even if divorce comes into the picture please ladies ensure these boys spend time with their fathers.

In a case where the above is impossible connect them with a responsible trustworthy male that can influence him positively. It’s not easy raising kids, one thing that makes it 90% successful is when you introduce Jesus to your kids.

Our boys need to understand that a woman is special and should be treated with respect. One day he will be the head of his own home and how he treats his wife and kids will be based entirely on what you expose them to now.

Its time to let the boys know they should be the priest in their home. Its time to let them know that as leaders it is their duty to ensure their family chase after God. They will in turn grow up to be men who are not ashamed to run to God in time of trouble, not ashamed to surrender to him and not ashamed to worship God anywhere anyhow.

We need to make our boys know that house chores or raising kids is not a woman thing.

Its important we let our boys know that being a man does not make you superior its only makes you a Leader with responsibilities and the most important is being accountable to God…

 

 

Before you believe the public, listen to your child!

Before you believe the public, listen to your child!

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“She thought I was lying”

That was the response a lady gave after I asked questions concerning the molestation she experienced as a kid.  When I asked her what her mum’s reaction was when she finally summoned the courage to open up  two years ago, after her being molested by her aunt, her reply hurt me.

To her mum and family she was a liar and her aunt was a saint incapable of doing such. I’m still wondering how a five year old would have been able to fabricate such.

Hello young mothers, how many times have you made your little child feel like a liar when they’re trying to share an experience with you? How long will you continue to dash their hopes that you’ll always have their back as their mum?

If you continue that way, they’re going to stop talking and start keeping to themselves and someday you will complain that your child never tells you anything, forgetting that you once pushed him away without realizing.

The worst thing that can happen to any mother is your child seeing you as just a means through which he came to this world, a cook, maid and every other thing that’s easily replaceable rather than as a confidant, best friend, soul mate and one who they easily bond with. For every time you show your child that you don’t trust him, you are giving that child every reason to grow without you and you know what that means.

But I know you can get it right. Your children can and should trust you, they should be able to tell you any and everything, let your children know that you’re always going to believe and guide them aright. You should train your kids in such a way that even when they are grown up, they would find very difficult doing something they can’t tell you about.

You don’t want to be lost in your child’s world. No matter how little a child is, they have emotions.

So before you believe the public, listen to your child!

Written By

Ozioma Anaele.

I’m an undergraduate of medical biochemistry but preparing for a career in the film industry and also an upcoming tv host.

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